Dealing with divorce and dating

Sorry to hear of the difficult situation. Is there a slight possibility that they may take to a letter explaining why Divorce and remarriage is expectable in this case?  Planting a seed of truth hopefully will get them to search deeper then just accepting the
DJE .  I know some PR's don't have a clue of John Calvins stance on Divorce and remarriage .

This dynamic is so pervasive and terrifying to all the family members, including the ones who have not been shunned.  And yes the fine line could be crossed at anytime.  That is the genius of the invisibly fine line for keeping everyone in order.  You could have a long term marriage, be a model of a Proverbs 31 wife and  mother, and do all the things you were told a Christian woman was supposed to do, for decades, and then bam, one day you get the message from the family's official or unofficial spokesperson: "you are not a true, wanted, or welcome part of MY family, because of this and this and this." 

I am so sorry that this is part of your family's story.  You are not alone here in this horrible severing of family connection . . so many of us on the forum, of all ages, have been part of these dynamics in our family systems.  It hurts sooo much.  It hurts sooo long, and it hurts sooo many of the family members.

Growing up, I heard too many sermons that were directed at parents to prepare them for the reality that some of their children would not fully conform to the PR way.  In this all-or-nothing, you are either with-us-or-against us system, not fully conforming is often described as being a reprobate.   Have a half dozen or more children, but prepare yourself for the day when 1/6, 1/3 or 2/3 of them show that they don't love God as they are supposed to.  Remember that wheat and tares grow up looking the same, but when you see the tares, you have to do what Psalm 139 says and declare for all the church members to nod along:

"Do not I hate them, O Lord, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee? I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies."  


Rev Engelsma and Rev Kleyn were two of the ones that preached the Prepare to Hate your Family Members crap when I was in church services as a kid.  I remember being 8, 10, 12ish, looking around at the different moms and dads who sat still and calm as they were being told to keep preparing for the day you would need to hate some of your kids. Everyone sitting through sermons that told parents, in fancier language of course, that odds were that God already before some of their children's births eternally hated some of their teen or adult kids, but parents need to love them all until the signals start showing which kids were the bad ones. Then when the signals come out, you must hate them like God hates them.

This is horrific fruit of this compliance oriented belief system.    I believe Jesus died to end that kind of bondservant relationship to a religious morality group which prefers being good/being right, perpetually trying to keep proving to people that we are one who receives God's favor.  Jesus frees us into a secure, unconditional belovedness that gives us emotional space to risk having church people offended by all the ways we are truly caring for any of our neighbors/children/enemies whom the religious people have written off as "out of God's circle" 

I hope people who want to follow the way of Jesus will follow him out of these family graveyards---these sanctuaries which train parents through decades of those damn sermons to someday reject and emotionally/financially cut off any of their teen or young adult or adult children who don't fully conform to the PR way.


The Fruitless Strategy: Rely on a doctrine of God's unconditional love for humans only if it includes God's unconditional hate for humans too.   Have many kids, to increase the odds at least a few will turn out to be elect (proven by their outward compliance).  Shun each descendant who does not fully comply, which will likely scare their siblings/nieces/nephews out of daring to express any personal preferences or exploration for other social communities or other religious groups.  Punish or threaten any offspring (or dependent spouse) who might try to show kindness, hospitality, or basic courtesy to stay in relationship with the shunned one(s).  Keep having continuous coffee/cigs/committee meetings with the other dads, grandpas, elders who have shunned some of their offspring.  Keep each other distracted from all the familial loss and sadness by talking about how the other denominations are apostate because nobody practices hardass discipline (familial shunning) like PRCA still does.