Spousal Abuse Follow Up

1. Please define abuse. Today we deal with physical, sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse.
Some think that any sin against his wife is “abuse.” In America, it is considered abuse if
the husband demands anything of his wife that she does not like. When has a husband
truly crossed the line from meanness to abuse?
In the speech, I define abuse as the husband’s “deliberate, ongoing, systematic,
relentless destruction of his wife, whether her soul or her body, or both.” I note that
abuse is usually physical, if not beating, angry squeezing, or shoving, then the open
threat of physical violence, to frighten her, so that the wife lives in fear of physical
abuse. Recently, a woman spoke to me of her terror as she lay in bed that her husband,
who only rarely abused her by violence, would return home to shoot her and the
children. But abuse is often verbal: the murder of the woman by the never ending,
calculated assault on her by name-calling, destructive criticism, and belittling. I
distinguish abuse from the occasional outburst of anger, or other unkind treatment of
one’s wife, which may never include physical violence. The occasional out-burst of
anger is sin, which must be confessed both to God and to wife, but it is not abuse in the
sense that the speech concerns abuse. The abusive husband purposely lives on the
wrong side of the line marking abuse off from love.

2. Is there ever a time when the arm of the law enforcement [is] to be called on if the abuse
does not end? What is the calling of the church regarding reporting abuse to local
authorities? Are pastors and elders bound to report abuse to civil authorities with or
without the consent of the abused wife? When does the council of the church need to
alert the authority of the land?
These four questions are basically the same.
I am informed that the law does not require the church to inform the civil authorities of
a husband’s abuse of his wife.
The wife certainly may appeal to the civil authorities for protection against an abusive
husband. God has appointed civil government exactly for such protection against evildoers.
Article 36 of the Belgic Confession declares that God “hath invested the
magistracy with the sword, for the punishment of evil-doers and for the protection of
them that do well.” Since this protection likely includes the state’s prohibition of the
husband’s living with his wife for a while, thus making the evil of abuse public, the
appeal by the wife to the civil authorities implies her informing the church of her plight
and her seeking help from the consistory. It reflects badly on the church if the abused
woman seeks relief and safety from the state because the church refused to become
involved and declined to provide help. It is precisely this weakness of the church that
my speech on the subject is intended to address.

3. Often, the argument is made, maybe she is “sick” of her husband. If abuse is public,
should the church treat it as fact?
When a wife takes action or seeks help alleging abuse, abuse on the part of the husband
is almost always, indeed invariably, a reality. A consistory may safely believe the
woman. Naturally, the woman desires to maintain her marriage and family intact.
Especially in the Protestant Reformed Churches, where marriage and family are highly
esteemed, the married woman prizes her marriage and family. She will protect and
preserve her marriage and family at great cost to herself. She will put up with abuse for
the sake of her marriage and family to extraordinary lengths. In fact, as later questions
will recognize, sometimes the wife will heroically decide to sacrifice herself to the
abusive husband for the sake of marriage and family. When the abuse becomes public,
as it does when the woman is forced to live separately from her husband, the consistory
will determine, and judge, the reality of the abuse.

4. What if the abuser refuses to repent and flees from the church and its discipline? What
counseling must be given to the wife now that her husband remains in his sin?
The wife is now more in need of pastoral counseling than before the husband fled the
church and its discipline. By refusing to submit to the discipline of a true church and by
forsaking a true church, and Christ, who is head of the true church, the husband gives
clear proof that he is unbelieving and that, unless he repents, he will be damned. The
wife must be counseled concerning the grievous reality that she is married to an
unbeliever. If he is willing to live with her, which includes that he does not abuse her,
she is called to live with him, as is exhorted upon such wives in I Peter 3:1, 2. If he
continues to abuse her, thus driving her away from himself, she must be counseled to
continue to show herself willing to dwell with him, if only he is open to this. Otherwise,
she is counseled to submit to the will of God for her life, that she live a single life as a
married woman. The church will surely show her continuing compassion in her special,
grievous situation as both an abused and an abandoned wife.

5. How does one approach a husband about sin he has denied from day one, but whose
wife has left him because of alleged abuse? In a situation in which it is unknown whom
to believe, will this cause more harm to young children who are still in the church?
As a matter of right terminology, if a husband and a wife are living separately because of
the husband’s abuse, the wife has not left the husband, but the husband has driven the
wife away. In the case of the husband’s denying the abuse, the consistory must
determine guilt. They do this by closely questioning the man, by questioning the man
and the woman together, and, if necessary and possible, by questioning the children
who may be members of the family. Involving the children in the questioning will be
harmful to the children, but the fault lies not with the consistory but with the abusive
husband. Even when the husband persists in denying abuse, the consistory will be able
to determine that the wife is telling the truth and that the man is lying. Unless in the
extremely rare case the consistory is inclined to doubt the woman and to believe the
man, the consistory will then charge the man with both the sin of murder (in abusing his
wife) and the sin of lying.

6. In the Protestant Reformed Churches (PRC), discipline seems to “drag on” for years, and
the steps of discipline move slowly. Is abuse a case in which discipline should be
accelerated and there should be demonstration that Christ has no patience with such
sins?
First, no discipline should “drag on.” Nor should the steps of discipline move slowly in
any case. Such prolonged discipline is not the sign of the church’s charity. Neither is it
advantageous to the impenitent sinner. Mostly, it indicates the indecisiveness of the
consistory. Second, the sin of impenitent abuse should be disciplined firmly and without
delay. Both the sinner and the church should receive the message that the sin of abuse
is intolerable in a professing Christian and in the church of Jesus Christ. The sole reason
for “delay” is the sinner’s undergoing the spiritual, medical, or psychological treatment
for which his case may call and that may contribute to the radical change of thinking and
life that true repentance consists of.

7. How should the wife go about reporting abuse? Her soul is already dealing with an
awful terror of possible repercussions from telling her minister. Is she required to follow
the principles of Matthew 18? What should our counsel to her be?
If the abuse and its effects on the woman are so severe that the woman fears for her
health and life and that she must call in the minister or an elder for help, the sin of the
abusive husband has become virtually a public sin. The husband has made it public by
making life with him impossible on the part of the wife. She should then call on the
minister or an elder for pastoral help, with or without the presence of her husband.
Having spoken both with her and the husband, the pastor or elder can determine that
the wife must temporarily live apart from her husband because of his abuse. This makes
the sin public, and the consistory must work with the husband accordingly. From the
time that the minister or elder meets with the abused woman, the church must provide
protection for the abused woman. Knowing that his wife has called on the church for
help, the abusive husband will likely punish his wife severely, unless she has protection.

8. If an abused woman leaves her husband, and her husband does not repent, is divorce
biblical, especially since the laws of the land almost require divorce to protect the
woman? Is there ground for divorce of the abused wife as there is for adultery?
Scripture does not permit divorce on the ground of abuse. Scripture recognizes one
ground for divorce: fornication on the part of one’s husband or wife. Scripture also
forbids a husband to drive his wife away from him by abusing her. But if the husband
does wickedly drive his wife away from himself, there is nothing the woman can do to
prevent the physical separation. In this case, even though she does not divorce her
husband, who remains her husband, there are remedies at law for her physical and
financial distress. The state recognizes legal separation and provides for the protection
and financial support of women in such circumstances. The woman who is driven from
her home and husband by an abusive husband should seek good legal counsel.

9. What can be done when an abused woman keeps going back to her husband?
This is usually the case. Those who have made a study of such things report that on the
average an abused wife returns to her abusive husband eleven times before she insists
on his genuine change, or gives up on him. The question recognizes that even in the
world the rule is that a wife wants to maintain her marriage and family and is willing to
risk and put up with abuse in order to do so. All the more is this true of the Protestant
Reformed woman. The answer to the question is “nothing.” A pastor or other
counselor can warn the abused wife not to return to her impenitent husband, but to
require his repentance and proof of it. But if she is determined to return, no one can
stop her. Family and friends can be prepared to help her once again when she again is
forced to leave on account of her husband’s repeated abuse.

10. How often are drinking and drugs involved with abuse?
In most cases of abuse, also within the church, drunkenness, drugs, and pornography (in
which filth the wife is usually required to participate, to the destruction of her soul, to
say nothing of her body) are often, if not almost always, factors. The abuser is a willing
servant of Satan in more wickedness than only the abuse of his wife. Whether the
drunkenness, drugs, and pornography are the cause of the abuse, or whether the abuse
fosters the drunkenness, drugs, and pornography, or whether all have their common
cause in some other, deeper evil, which may well include a powerful emotional element,
often a psychologist may be helpful in discovering. In any case, the concerned, devoted
pastor will be on the lookout for these additional, contributing evils in his work with an
abusive husband.

11. How do you help a woman who willingly returns to her husband and refuses the help
and compassion of the church (the abuse is known and clear)? If you know that there is
abuse, but the abused will not admit it, how do you help?
These two questions are the same.
It is impossible to help an abused wife who neither asks for help nor receives it when
help is offered. The most one can do is to make known to the abused wife that you will
help when she asks for it.
But it is a different matter with regard to her abusive husband. If the abuse is “known
and clear,” the elders of the church have the responsibility to admonish him for his
ungodly behavior towards his wife. The wife can refuse help; the husband may not
refuse discipline. By work with the abusive husband, the consistory of the church will be
helping the wife.

12. After confession of sin by the abuser, should the elders do follow up work with the
couple? And for how long?
The elders should be doubtful about a quick confession of sin by an abusive husband.
They should question him thoroughly about the sincerity of the confession. When an
abusive husband is finally exposed and confronted with his sin by the church, he will
often confess, even with tears. But the “confession” is not heartfelt. He does not feel
sorry for his sin, but for himself. Nor does the “confession” consist of the determination
to change. If the “confession” includes blame of the wife for the abuse, the consistory
can be sure that the “confession” is insincere. “She asked for it,” or, “There is no way to
live peaceably with that woman.” There is no excuse for abuse. Genuine confession is
Davidic: “I have sinned against the Lord” (II Samuel 12:13). Period! There was nothing
about Bathsheba’s complicity in the sin by bathing nude where he could see her. The
consistory should ask the woman whether she feels safe in living with the man at the
present time, regardless of his “confession.” And the elders must follow up with
periodic visits to be certain that the “confession” was genuine and that there is no
further abuse. They should impress on the husband that they will be making regular
calls on him and his wife to assure the consistory that the repentance was genuine. The
follow-up work should continue for at least six month to a year.

13. Since abusers are so secretive and deceptive and seemingly good people in public, what
are some of the signal symptoms of an abused wife that the church can look for?
Abusers of their wife are all the things that this question suggests. They present an
appearance in society and in the church that impresses everyone (except the wife and
children). This is a reason why, when the wife finally cries out for help, the response of
society and church is that her complaint cannot possibly be true. They blame her rather
than the abusive husband, thus adding to her misery. This is why, as the rule, the
church ought to accept her complaint as true, and doubt her husband’s denial of the
wife’s charge against him. Because the wife can, and does, for a while put up a good
front, it is almost impossible for the church to recognize abuse. Family members may be
able to spot suspicious signs, including the man’s harsh treatment of the woman, his
verbal abuse of her in public, and the woman’s otherwise inexplicable breaking down
emotionally. Family ought to pursue such signs boldly. For the church to be able to
help, the abused wife must make her miserable condition known to the pastor and
elders. For an abused wife to make this known to the pastor and elders, the pastor and
elders must show themselves sympathetic men, that is, true pastors, on behalf of the
Christ who is not “an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our
infirmities” (Hebrews 4:15).

14. If you are called to a home where abuse happened that night, should the police be
called? Or is this option left to the abused?
In a previous answer, I have already mentioned that abuse does not require the
notification of the civil authorities. Whether the involvement of the police is necessary
depends on the nature of each case. Severity of the abuse, very much including the
threat of more, and more severe, violence to the wife, may make this involvement of
the police and the courts necessary at once. The judgment of the abused woman,
preferably with the counsel of the consistory, ought to weigh in such an instance. As I
remarked in my response to an earlier question, Christians may call upon the state for
protection of their safety and life. When a woman’s physical welfare is obviously
threatened, a pastor will surely assist in removing the woman from danger at once. An
incident from my own ministry comes to mind. Early in my ministry, when I had not yet
even heard of “abuse,” a young wife and mother came white, trembling, and crying to
the parsonage. Her husband was drunk. To terrify her, which he accomplished, he fired
his 12-gauge shotgun into the ceiling of their living room in her and their child’s
immediate presence. “Must I return to him?” she asked, knowing the Protestant
Reformed insistence on the maintaining of marriage. “Certainly not,” I replied. “You
must find somewhere else to stay until he sobers up and the elders and I have worked
with him, so that it is safe for you to be with him. I will go with you to get what things
are necessary out of the house and help you find a place to stay.” If calling the police
had been necessary, I would have done so. Locating an applicable article of the Church
Order was not required. Christian common sense was enough.

15. Will you suggest some good books for reading on the subject of abuse? Are the books by
Jay Adams still in print?
At the lecture, I distributed a sheet containing recommended reading on the subject of
abuse of wives. These books are Unholy Charade, by Jeff Crippen; The Emotionally
Destructive Marriage, by Leslie Vernick; Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft; and
Healing the Hurting: Giving Hope & Help to Abused Women, by Catherine Clark Kroeger
& James R. Beck. I added the following disclaimer: “Recommendation of these books is
not indicative of approval of all they contain. Some make no claim to be Christian. They
are helpful in exposing the nature of abuse; instructing how a counselor and, in some
cases, the church ought to respond to it; warning against prevalent errors regarding
dealing with abuse, including errors made by the church; and offering advice how the
abused wife should recognize and respond to abuse. The Reformed work on abuse has
yet to be written.” I can add to the disclaimer that all of them allow for divorce if the
abuser does not repent and change his abusive ways. As for the books by Jay Adams,
particularly his Competent to Counsel, they are still in print. As I mentioned in the
lecture, Competent to Counsel was extremely helpful to me in the early years of my own
pastoral ministry. Most Christian book stores will obtain Adams’ books, if they do not
themselves carry the books.

16. If one does not hear the truth about abuse in the preaching, is the church guilty of
spousal abuse?
If it should be the case that nothing of the sinfulness of abuse is warned against in the
preaching, that preaching would be responsible for aiding and abetting abuse. But it is
inconceivable that the preaching of a true church of Christ would lack warning against
abuse. The preaching of a true church would proclaim the calling of a husband to love
his nearest neighbor, that is, his wife. Love of the wife prohibits and condemns abuse.
Such preaching would warn against hatred of the neighbor/wife, which abuse is. But
today, the preacher must become explicit, warning not only against hatred of the
neighbor generally, but also against hatred in the form of verbal abuse against his wife
specifically. The presence of abuse in our circles demands this explicit admonition. If a
minister fails, or refuses, to give this concrete warning, in marital counseling and in the
preaching, he makes himself guilty of aiding and abetting the sin.

17. While we forbid divorce (except for adultery), should the consistory ever encourage a
temporary separation? Do we forbid legal separation in all cases?
The consistory should recognize the necessity of an abused woman’s temporary
separation from her abusive husband, including a (“legal”) separation that is recognized
and enforced by the state. The church must not forbid legal separation in all cases, that
is, in cases of abuse. What the church must recognize is that the abused woman has not
“left” her husband, when she finds it necessary to live apart from him, but that her
abusive husband has forced her away from himself. The fault of the temporary
separation is not the woman’s but the man’s. It is injustice, if not cruelty, that the
church adds to the misery of the abused woman by viewing her as the one who has
“left” her husband and charging her with the evil of having left him. In the language of I
Corinthians 7:13, the abusive husband is not “pleased to dwell with her.” He is pleased
to have her in his house for his use and abuse of her, but he is not pleased to dwell with
her.

18. Shouldn’t everyone feel safe in bringing complaints of abuse to her consistory? I have
witnessed a lack of confidentiality in my consistory at times. Also, my husband is very
close to a couple of elders, and I’m afraid to proceed. If the matter is not kept secret, my
life could actually become worse than the emotional abuse than I now suffer on a daily
basis.
Lack of confidentiality is a grave weakness of consistories in the matter of abuse as in
other serious, sensitive matters. That elders or the pastor divulge consistorial matters,
especially those of a sensitive nature involving sin and suffering of members of the
congregation, to other members of the church, including their wives, is destructive of
the pastoral work of Christ by means of the consistory and harmful to the abused
woman. The abused woman will not turn to the minister or to the elders for the help
she needs. The gossip of the consistory hinders the work of Christ. Every pastor knows,
and every consistory should know, that confidentiality is essential to their work. The
gossipy minister and elder disqualify themselves for the work of their office.

19. Is submission only for women? Are we preaching the Bible’s version of submission or
mixing it with the “old world Victorian” version?
These two questions are related.
Submission is not only for the wife in a marriage. Also the husband is called to submit to
his wife. Ephesians 5:21 can be viewed as introducing the grand passage on marriage,
verses 22-33: “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” The married
man and woman are not only husband and wife. They are also brother and sister in
Christ, fellow members of Christ’s church. As brother to his sister, his wife, the man is
called to submit to her in many matters and in many ways. The calling of the wife to
submit to him does not authorize him to insist on his will in every matter that arises in
their life together. If she wants to name a child after her father and he, after his father,
he may submit to her will without any compromise of his headship in marriage. If he
insists on his will in every aspect and detail of their life together, he is not so much a
Christian husband as a dictator. Even with regard to matters that properly belong to the
headship of the husband, he ought to consult her wisdom and will. She is his “help,” not
his lackey. Whatever the “old world Victorian” version of submission may be, which
seems to me to be the notion of a woman’s weak and absolute submission to the man
as though she were a helpless, will-less, clinging, simpering nobody, this version of
submission does not describe and prescribe the Christian wife’s submission in the
church of Christ. It is significant how often in the Song of Solomon, outstanding
Scripture concerning marriage in the Old Testament, the wife of the king is referred to
as “my sister.” She is not a dominated woman, nor only object of passionate sexual
desire (which is also the message of the Song). She is also spiritual sister, with a mind
and will of her own, which mind and will she does not hesitate to express and which her
spiritual brother, her husband, does not suppress.

20. My husband is very materialistic. I work part-time to help make ends meet. But I hate
working outside the home. When I suggest that we can do without some luxuries and
“boy toys,” he accuses me of being lazy. I enjoy some of our luxuries also, but would be
willing to go without them. Is this abusive or quite normal?
Your husband is spiritually weak. The weakness is not only that he puts his wife to work
outside the home in order to acquire luxuries. It is also that he rejects the spiritual
advice and plea of his wife, something that is always foolish on the part of a husband. If
his insistence that you work outside the home is not full-fledged abuse, it borders on
abuse. Evidently, you are able to talk with him about the matter. At a suitable time,
make plain to him your spiritual thoughts and feelings, as based on the Word of God,
and plead with him to heed your thoughts and wishes, as a godly husband is called to do
with regard to his wife. Ask him with you to seek counsel from your pastor. If the work
outside the home is destructive of your spiritual life, or that of your family, inform your
husband that you intend to quit the job. Be prepared for the consequences. If you can
endure the present circumstances, continue to talk with him about the matter, in the
meanwhile conducting yourself in your marriage as Peter instructs godly wives to
behave themselves in a marriage with an unbelieving husband (I Peter 3:1, 2), which
does not imply that your husband is unbelieving.

21. I have a close friend who married into our [PR] church. She is being mistreated by her
“always a PR” husband. The abuse is not physical or sexual, but he is constantly
condescending and often mocks her in public settings. The pastor apparently does not
see this as being as serious as she does. If she lived in Western Michigan, they could
change churches. Do you have any advice?
Condescension towards and mockery of one’s wife, especially in public, are sin against
the Word of God to husbands in Ephesians 5. It is verbal abuse. If the wife is too cowed
by her cruel mate to object, those who witness the abuse ought to rebuke him—
publicly. He publicly shames his wife. Publicly shame him! A pastor who does not judge
such behavior as sinful, whether abuse or verbal murder, according to Question 105 of
the Heidelberg Catechism, and admonish such sinners both in public preaching and in
private counseling, is derelict in his duty. It is a main purpose of my lecture on abuse to
change the thinking of such a pastor. The solution to the evil among us is not that
abused women change churches, but that there be a change in the thinking of pastors
and elders. I am deeply ashamed and grieved that a young woman marries into the
PRC, to find such mistreatment by her PR mate that you describe.

22. Can abuse flow out of what began as a lack of emotional investment by the man—a man
not able to extend the love for himself to cover the wife as part of himself? In other
words, he does not see his wife as part of himself. Does abuse flow from a
misunderstanding of leadership? Does abuse originate in the man’s personal, deepseated
fear of being manipulated by his wife, so much so that the wife hesitates to ask
even basic things of her husband because he thinks it is a challenge to his authority or an
attempt to control him. If so, is it best to instruct this man or the woman to correct the
problem?
I combine these several related questions.
All concern the deep-seated spiritual and psychological causes of abuse in the abusive
husband.
Regardless of the causes, all of the evils of a husband referred to in the questions are
sins. Pastors and elders must address these sins and call for repentance, which
repentance includes radical change of behavior. It is marital sin that a husband does not
love his wife, as the first question puts it, failing to extend love for himself to his wife.
Such is the intimacy of marriage that the married persons are united in a bond that is
comparable to that between my head and my body, according to Ephesians 5. What a
sin against the body if my head should care only for itself, ignoring the welfare of my
body and, thus, hurting the body. It is marital sin that a husband so understands his
leadership as legitimizing abuse of the wife, when God has bestowed male leadership
exactly for the benefit of the wife, often at cost to the husband. Such was the
leadership of Christ with regard to the church. It was a leadership that gave Himself for
the church. It is marital sin that a husband has so corrupted the marital relation that his
wife is afraid to request basic things of her husband, and undoubtedly afraid also to
discuss basic matters of their marriage with him, because of his mistaken and selfish
conception of his authority. Is the church afraid to request basic things of her Husband,
or freely to discuss with Him important matters of His life with her? These sins of the
husband must be addressed in the preaching and in spiritual counseling by the pastor
and elders, or other counselors.
Because there is also likely a strong psychological weakness or component contributing
to these sins, such husbands ought to seek, and be encouraged to seek, competent
psychological help.

23. How do we teach female members, especially from outside our churches, that the church
is not a “boys club,” or a place where she believes that men will not believe her cry for
help, defend her man instead of her, or suggest that she is the problem, and that she
should submit more?
The sad fact is that these impressions have been left in the PRC. Abused wives, who
have cried out to the church for help, have suffered this kind of response. In
desperation, they have then turned to the state for the help they need, and found it.
This sinful weakness of the churches, or some of the churches, must be corrected. It
reflects badly on the church and on Christ the Head and compassionate Savior of the
church. It sends away God’s distressed (female) members of the church without
providing the help they desperately need, and ask for. The behavior of a pastor or of
elders who send away an abused wife, after one visit, with a prayer, the exhortation to
submit more, and the empty wish that all will go better in the marriage, refusing to look
into the matter, or even to follow up on the one visit by the abused wife, falls into the
category of the sin described in James 2:15, 16:
If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, and one of you say
unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give
them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit?
The church is not a “boys club.” According to the commandment of the New Testament,
only qualified men may hold special office. But females hold the office of believer
equally with males. They are God’s beloved children as much as are their spiritual
brothers. Pastors and elders must care for the sisters as zealously as they do for the
brothers. In the matter of abuse, where there is conflict, the consistory must, in fact, be
biased in favor of the complaining female.

24. What option does a wife have if the spouse will not turn from his abuse against her?
By his impenitent abuse, he will have driven her out of the house or otherwise away
from himself. In sad recognition of what he has done, and is still doing, she may file for
legal separation, including a court order that he may not have contact with her. These
legalities, which provide necessary protection for her, will include the sinning husband’s
financial support of her and any children who are involved in the separation. These civil
actions imply the knowledge of the church of the husband’s sin necessitating these
actions and the church’s disciplinary work with the abusive husband.

25. How can a woman, especially an abused woman, be assured that she can reach out to
men (consistory or pastor), when she might already be afraid of men in general?
The question indicates a grievously ungodly evil in the church: daughters of God are
afraid of sons of God; a dreadful disruption of the family of the heavenly Father.
It is the calling of the consistory and pastor to show themselves sympathetic servants of
Jesus Christ to all the members of the congregation, particularly the female members of
the congregation. It does not take very long, or extraordinary effort, on the part of a
pastor to show himself approachable to all the members of the congregation, which
includes the knowledge that the man can be trusted to keep every visit and all matters
that come to him in the strictest confidence. Female members of the congregation in
which the pastor is a true servant of the Great Shepherd are no more afraid of the
pastor than they are of Jesus Himself.

26. What if abuse is a result of pornography? The husband is not hitting her, but sexually
abusing her, or raping her? Would this be grounds for divorce?
Abuse is often accompanied by pornography, which usually involves the husband’s
sexual abuse of his wife. Rape and other forms of a husband’s forcing of sexual acts
upon his wife are egregious violation of the intimate relation between husband and wife
that lies close to the very heart of the mystery of marriage. In the sexual activity and
act, man and woman, husband and wife, give themselves to each other most fully. For
the man to rape, or otherwise use the woman for his own satisfaction, regardless of the
will of the woman, indeed against her will, is violent assault on marriage itself, at its very
heart. Pornography is a form of fornication, a form of the practice of fornication. Vile as
the sin is, because another flesh-and-blood woman is not involved I am hesitant to
conclude that pornography is an aspect of the fornication that Christ had in mind when
He taught that fornication is ground for divorce. On the other hand, I would be tempted
to consider a wife’s contention that her husband’s pornography is ground for her
divorce of him according to Matthew 19:9.

27. Should consistories ever encourage a woman to press abuse charges? Can state laws
and courts ever “aid” the church in determining the guilt of abuse?
Yes, and yes.

28. At what point are the authorities contacted?
When the abusive husband compels the wife to seek legal recognition of the separation
for which he is responsible; to obtain a court order that restrains the husband from
contact with her, which would consist only of more abuse; and to obtain the financial
support that she and her children need.

29. The private nature of this sin makes it difficult to confirm. Most husbands accused of
abuse will deny it outright. However, most resources today tell us to believe every wife
who is bold enough to make the accusation. The elders and pastor now have to sort out
the “he said, she said” dilemma, with little evidence and conflicting stories. How does
the church proceed?
All of the assertions that precede the question are accurate. Most of the time, in such
cases, the careful questioning of the husband, if need be in the presence of the wife, will
establish the truth of the wife’s allegations, that is, the husband’s guilt. In the rare
instance of the consistory’s still being doubtful, the questioning of the children who are
old enough to testify will confirm the charges of the wife. (A consistory will be hesitant
so intimately to involve children, especially small children. But the fault for this lies with
the father. By his abuse and denial, he compels the consistory to involve the children.
This involvement of the children in the sin is no small part of the wickedness of abuse.)
In the very rare case of the consistory’s still remaining uncertain because of a lack of
hard evidence, let them decide on the basis of their sanctified inclinations, favoring the
woman as much as possible.

30. Do you have any thoughts or concerns about the IRBC (Institute for Reformed Biblical
Counseling) and consistories sending members to it for help?
I confess ignorance of this counseling institute. In the course of my lecture, I
encouraged pastors and consistories to seek special help for abusive husbands
concerning psychological problems they might have in addition to their spiritual
weaknesses and evils. I recommend that consistories conduct a search for such
counselors and counseling centers in their area, preferably Christian counselors and
institutions. During my pastorate in Colorado, the church used Bethesda Hospital for
certain afflictions of some of its members. During my pastorate in Illinois, the church
had occasion to use a Christian institution for a case of alcohol addiction (habitual
drunkenness). In these cases, the pastor continued his spiritual work with the members.
The Christian institutions were helpful in the specific area of their knowledge.

31. Often concern for legal (police) consequences may cause the consistory to refrain from
contacting professional help. Do you have any insight or words of encouragement here?
I doubt that there is any reason for a consistory to refrain from seeking professional
help for an abusive man because of possible legal consequences. The exception is a
wife’s being battered half to death, in which case the husband ought to be jailed, with
the enthusiastic support of the consistory. Often, there are good reasons for a
consistory to approve and even recommend professional help for an abusive husband in
addition to the spiritual work that the consistory is doing, as I have urged in previous
answers. An abusive husband often is troubled psychologically and emotionally as well
as spiritually. A pastor does not necessarily have the ability to locate and address the
psychological weakness any more than he has the ability to treat cancer in a church
member.

32. “Leave the church and abandon Jesus Christ” were your words in the lecture describing
what you would do if the preaching was always verbal abuse by Jesus. Understandable!
How many Protestant Reformed children have left the PRC, not because they are
attracted to false teaching, but because they are repulsed by their father’s misconduct?
The question implies that some have. Having been a pastor for twenty-five years, I can
attest that this has happened. Some have rejected the church and its Head altogether.
Christ will require the blood of these children at the hands of the abusive fathers in the
final judgment. Were I a pastor of a congregation today, I would warn all fathers in the
congregation of this reality in blunt language. Husbands are to love their wife for the
sake of their children. Worldly wisdom has children saying to their father, “If you would
love us, love our mother.” Speaking for myself, I cannot imagine anything worse than
that on the day of judgment, one of my children turns to me, as the Lord sentences him
or her to eternal damnation, and cries out, “You are responsible!”

33. Can you speak briefly to the damage of the “silent treatment”?
I assume that the question refers to the policy and practice of some husbands of
punishing their wife for some action or inaction on the part of the wife that displeased
the husband. Whereas some husbands abuse their wife by abusive speech, other
husbands abuse their wife by abusive silence. Like abusive speech, silence is intended
to punish the wife and, thus, coerce the wife into the behavior that pleases the
husband. The sixth commandment does not only forbid murder. It also commands us
to “love our neighbor as ourselves; to show patience, peace, meekness, mercy, and all
kindness towards him, and prevent his hurt as much as in us lies; and that we do good,
even to our enemies” (Heidelberg Catechism, Q. 107).

34. Could the husband’s high thinking of himself serve or feed this sin? Should a husband’s
calling be to serve, to avoid this sin?
These two related questions show excellent insight into the cause and nature of the sin
of abuse of one’s wife. Abuse is rooted in the husband’s pride. Secular psychology calls
it “entitlement.” He is so superior to his wife that he may treat her as he pleases, and
he pleases that she serve him fully and precisely as he wishes. The truth is that in the
Christian marriage the man is to serve his wife as Christ served, and still serves, the
church. That the wife may, in truth, not be as smart as the husband fancies himself to
be, or as beautiful as the husband desires and supposes himself to deserve, has nothing
whatever to do with his service of his wife in marriage. The church is not naturally wise.
She is certainly not beautiful by nature. Christ served her, and still serves her, speaking
lovely words to her, and calling her honorable names. This wickedness of the abusive
husband casts doubt, not alone on his behavior in marriage, but also regarding his
salvation. No proud man, going on in his pride, is saved.

35. Our consistory had a case in which the woman would not leave, to live separately from
her husband, even when counseled to do so. We had everything arranged, but she
would not live separately. What should a consistory do in such a case.
The consistory is to be commended for its pastoral concern and care. God grant that
every consistory in our fellowship possess such concern and exercise such care! A
consistory cannot do more than yours has done. The woman’s will must be respected.
If she chooses to live in circumstances of abuse, rejecting the help that is offered, the
church can only pray for her and trust that the grace of God will preserve her in earthly
and spiritual strength. An Abigail lived with a Nabal, of whom she, his wife, herself said
that he was a “man of Belial” (I Samuel 25:25). How many godly women have not lived
all their life with an abusive husband, endured spiritually, and been rewarded with
eternal life! And how many abusive husbands have not suffered the punishment of
Nabal!

36. How do you determine when the home with her husband is a safe place to which to
return?
This must be determined by the woman with the advice of a knowledgeable and
sympathetic consistory. Fundamental is the repentance of the husband after intensive
work by the church and often a trained counselor. When the husband demonstrates
genuine repentance, so that the two can live together again, the consistory must
continue its involvement by regular visits for some time. Continuing oversight of the
marriage and home is a necessity.

37. Is it important to include the wife in matters of her husband?
I take this to refer to the work being done by church and state with the abusive
husband. The wife ought to be informed about the progress or lack of progress of her
husband. She is his wife. She loves him still. Her overwhelming desire, as a Christian
woman, is to have the marriage relation restored fully. Her grief, even her shame—
unwarranted shame, since the fault is not hers, but his, but shame nevertheless—is that
in a church that values marriage highly and to her as a female, who naturally desires
marriage, her own precious marriage is a broken and miserable thing. Night and day,
her overwhelming desire, her prayer, her agonizing cries are that God will restore her
marriage and give her back her husband as the man he ought to be and probably as he
once was. Information then about the husband’s state of mind and, if God grants it,
progress in holiness are water to a thirsty person. The husband ought to be informed
regularly that his wife loves him still, wants nothing more than the restoration of the
marriage relation—a relation in which he is a Christian husband, and needs him as the
father of their children. This ought to motivate him to undergo the necessary
counseling and to repent with a heartfelt sorrow over his sin of abuse.

38. What percent of abuse is connected to alcohol?
The experts in the field and my own admittedly limited experience agree that often, if
not usually, abuse of one’s wife is connected to abuse of liquor. Drunkenness loosens
the godly restraint against mistreating one’s wife, as it also weakens the self-discipline
that is necessary for other aspects of the Christian walk. It is exactly liquor’s weakening
of all restraints against a dissolute, abandoned life that is the reason why the Bible
forbids drunkenness in Ephesians 5:18: “Be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess.”
“Excess” is a particularly poor translation of the word in the original Greek. The better
translation would be “dissoluteness,” referring to unrestrained, undisciplined behavior.
Drunkenness loosens restraint. It lets the devil have free play in one’s life, including
one’s marital life. The result is abuse of one’s wife. It is also possible that drunkenness
is the measure that the abuser deliberately takes to weaken the guilt of the abuse of his
wife that he intends to carry out.

39. Are there cases of claimed abuse where none exists?
So rare are such cases that I am tempted to answer “no.” But I suppose that the rare
case might exist. The possibility confronts consistories with their calling as judges in
God’s New Testament Israel to investigate cases of abuse that come to their attention,
in order to determine the reality of abuse.

40. What questions should elders ask to determine if abuse exists?
Usually elders will become involved in cases of abuse by the wife’s seeking help from
the church. She will have spoken of concrete instances in which her husband abused
her. The elders will confront the husband with these accusations: Did you hit your wife
in a rage on such and such an occasion? Do you regularly swear at your wife? Did you
call her these filthy, degrading names? On family visitation, the elders will put such
questions to the husband as the following: Do you always treat your wife with love, as
Christ behaves toward His church? do you ever verbally abuse her in a rage, or with the
purpose of killing her spirit? do you think you are ever excused in abusing your wife?
would your wife agree that you never abuse her?

41. You imply that abuse is increasing. What do you attribute this to?
Whether abuse in the church is increasing, I cannot say. Nor did I say this in the lecture
or intend to imply this. What is increasing is wives’ making their abuse known, their
refusal to endure abuse as though abuse is an accepted aspect of the Christian life of
the believing woman. Surely, in this judgment they are right.

42. The minister and consistory should not remove the wife from protection of court
appointed officials. Nor should they attempt initially to counsel the abuser and his wife
together. The abused wife is afraid to speak her mind in the presence of her abusive
husband.
These are not questions, but advice—good advice, obviously based on experience.

43. What must the children do? Are they to be told to honor their father and mother? What
should we be preaching to the children when they witness abuse?
These questions raise the troubling reality that an abusive husband, by his abuse of his
wife, which children observe, abuses his children as well. This is as destructive of the
children as if he would beat them, perhaps more so. Murdering their mother, he
murders his children as well. He makes it virtually impossible for them to honor him. It
calls for amazing grace that the children would not hate their father, for which the
greater guilt would be his. With regard to the preaching about this sin, it should bluntly
admonish these warnings in proclaiming the fifth and sixth commandments of the law.
The spiritual ruin of the children by an abusive husband is all the more reason why
pastors and consistories must not close their eyes to the reality of abuse in their
congregations, but deal with it thoroughly and firmly. To hear that distressed little
children comfort their abused mother with the words, “The church will help you,” only
to find out that the church offers no help at all, in fact disregards the plea of the mother
for help, is at first heart-breaking and then infuriating.

44. Is it a form of abuse that a husband forbids his wife from having a relationship with her
non-Protestant father, mother, or sister?
One cannot a question like this without knowing the circumstances of such a
prohibition. It makes a difference whether one’s parents are living in gross, public sin,
for example, adultery. Even then, to forbid all contact (which differs from fellowship)
seems extreme to me, in light of the apostle’s concession in I Corinthians 5:9-11 that
believers may “keep company” with unbelievers outside the church. To forbid all
relationship solely because the mate’s family is not Protestant Reformed (though they
may be confessing Christians in another denomination) is not the position of the
Protestant Reformed Churches. It strikes me as a kind of (severe) punishment of the
wife for the church affiliation of her family, regardless of the close earthly ties and
wishes of the woman. Whether or not this is “abuse,” apart from extenuating
circumstances of which I am, of course, ignorant, it seems to me to be lordly, harsh, and
unfeeling rule in a marriage.

45. May a consistory accept the testimony of one person, the wife, as the ground of the
discipline of the husband, when the husband denies the accusation? Is this consistent
with Matthew 18?
I acknowledge that these circumstances in the matter of a wife’s complaint of abuse are
the most difficult for the church. The wife calls on the church for help. The husband is
often a highly regarded member of the church. No one can believe that he would abuse
his wife. And he denies the charge of abuse. In fact, he blames his wife for her
complaint. “She is out of her mind. She has always been high-strung. She has
emotional problems. I have never touched her abusively.” Etc. Fortunately, it is rare
that, once the pastor or consistory is involved, the consistory cannot determine with
confidence that the woman is telling the truth and that the husband is lying. In the vast
majority of cases, the consistory will determine that the husband is abusing his wife, as
she complains. In these cases, they will work with him to bring him to repentance. If his
sin makes it necessary for the wife, temporarily, to live separately from him, the sin is
public, and the steps of private sin laid out in Matthew 18 are not necessary. The
abusive husband has made the sin public. If the consistory cannot, in the rare case,
determine with certainty that the husband is guilty of abuse, they may not proceed with
discipline. They may, and should, however, remain involved in the marriage, as a
troubled marriage, a marriage troubled by sin. Either the wife is lying, because she does
not love and submit to her husband as she is called to do, or he is, in fact, an abuser, as
she charges. The consistory should notify the couple that they will be meeting with
them regularly for some time, inquiring into the cause of the trouble and giving good
biblical counsel. This procedure would also protect the woman against further abuse by
her husband, if indeed he has been abusing her. I would be surprised if these regular
meetings did not disclose the truth of the trouble. I would also be surprised if it did not
come out that the cause of the trouble is abuse, as the woman alleged from the start.

46. What are some of the outstanding examples in Scripture that instruct us how pastorally
to treat cases of abuse?
Scripture does not instruct concerning every form of sin, including every form of sin in
marriage, by examples. But its instruction concerning treatment of sin includes
treatment of every form of marital sin. The church in the 21st century is not in the dark
with regard to its treatment of abuse. Pastors and elders must “take heed” to all the
flock, to “feed the church of God” (Acts 20:28). This heeding and feeding extend to
abusive husbands and abused wives in the flock. Verse 31 indicates that this oversight
and spiritual care include “warn[ing] every one night and day with tears.” The warning
of abusive husbands is that their refusal to “dwell with [their wife] according to
knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs
together of the grace of life” (I Peter 3:7) will cruelly injure the wife and the marriage,
indeed destroy them as far as the husband is concerned, and bring down the wrath of
God upon the husband. Disregard of the church’s warning and impenitent continuance
in the sin of abuse must be dealt with by excommunication. Paul’s behavior as
described in Acts 20:31 is intended by the apostle to be an example to the elders of the
church of Ephesus, and to elders throughout the ages. He warned privately as well as
publicly, at night as well as in the daytime. Verse 20 makes even more clear and forceful
by the example of the apostle that the work of a pastor and of an elder is to admonish
erring members of their churches privately, as well as publicly: “taught you publicly,
and from house to house.” “House to house” describes perfectly the private pastoral
labor of the consistory with cases of abuse. In addition, the ministry of Jesus as
recorded in the gospels abounded with private, one-on-one admonition, exhortation,
and comfort. One gets the impression, in fact, that His ministry consisted more of
private pastoral work than it did of public preaching. His example was blunt
condemnation of sin (John 4:17, 18) and of tender compassion for the sinned against
(John 8:1-11). As for the self-righteous, who despised others, refusing to show
compassion to the oppressed and to give help to the needy, adding to their already
heavy burden, His rebuke was scathing (Matthew 23). For the outstanding example in
Scripture, who instructs us how pastorally to treat the cases of abuse, regarding both
the abuser and the abused, one may read the gospels concerning Jesus Himself.

47. How could the church leadership become more sensitive to the emotional and
psychological results of abuse for both the abused and abuser? Dealing with abuse only
from a spiritual perspective, and dealing with it only, leaves the emotional effects on the
abused unaddressed, it seems to me.
I agree that in perhaps a majority of cases of abuse, professional psychological help
ought to be obtained for both the abuser and the abused, in addition to the continuing
spiritual help provided by pastor and elders. The abuser often has severe emotional or
psychological problems that have contributed to his abuse and the abused usually
suffers severe emotional or psychological trauma as the effect of the abuse. Pastors
and elders are seldom qualified to treat these aspects of abuse, although the good
spiritual counsel by the pastor and elders will have a healing influence upon these
aspects of the sin too. This speech, a reading of the recommended books on abuse, and
others, and conversations of the pastors and elders among themselves should go some
way toward making the pastors and elders aware of the psychological damage either
contributing to or caused by abuse, making special help necessary.

48. What can the church leadership do to encourage and even build into their churches’
culture a support network/community of those who understand and directly help those
being abused? Without at least a few good, supportive, understanding family and/or
friends to lean on, it seems to me that the counseling of pastors, elders, and possibly
therapists will be less effective for the abused (the abused will have a hard time
translating the counseling session to everyday life without supportive family/friends).
It should go without saying that the family and friends of an abused woman are Godgiven
support for her and her children. They listen to her cries, dry her tears, give her
counsel, provide a safe place when necessary, and support with money as needed. But
there is something special, even extraordinary, that the church can do, and I believe that
it is time for the church to do it. In a chapter in the New Testament that has to do with
offices in the church, I Timothy 5, there is a passage that recognizes a special group and
function of widows in the church. There was a “number,” which although not
officebearers, nevertheless had a special, important work in the church. It was a
“number” of widows. To be taken into this number a woman had to have certain
physical and spiritual qualifications (verses 9, 10). We are reliably informed that this
group of women served, not in an office, but in the capacity of helpers to the deacons of
the church, performing certain deeds of mercy for which women are better qualified
than men. Such tasks would have included help of women who were about to give birth
or who had just given birth; help with the household affairs of women who were ill;
counseling of young women who were about to marry or who had just married; and the
like. One can readily imagine the many and various opportunities of such help at the
time that medical assistance was primitive and rare, poverty was rampant, and young
women were often without the help of family who remained idolaters. Although Calvin
does not fully grasp the thought of the passage, he does express the main idea: “They
[the older women] consecrated themselves to the ministry of the Church…They should
be employed in ministering to the poor…they were…appointed in order…to minister to
the poor and the sick.” Although Calvin does not intend a church office, but a special
function on the part of these women, he speaks of “the discharge of their office,”
adding that the duties of this unofficial “office” include “bringing up children,
hospitality, ministering to the poor, and other charitable works” (John Calvin,
commentary on I Timothy 5:9-13). There are some duties on behalf of abused wives,
and other needy women in the church, for which the diaconate of the church is
responsible but for which they, as males, are themselves ill-suited. The male deacons
do not have the time or the ability to assist a needy young mother with the care of
herself and her family. With reference particularly to abused women, often the abuse
includes sexual abuse. About this, a woman is hesitant to speak to the male pastor or
elder. I propose that the deacons in an area of the Protestant Reformed Churches in
which there are several churches appoint a group of older women who have the
qualifications laid down in I Timothy 5 to assist the diaconates in helping abused wives.
These qualifications must include discretion. A church without neighboring churches
could appoint several older women from its own membership. These women would
help the diaconates with abused women as requested by the deacons. To the deacons
they would report. The deacons would learn from these women the financial needs of
the abused women. This group would serve the church, the abused women, and Christ
Jesus as the “support network/community” for abused women of which this questioner
speaks.