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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2021 1:22:35 GMT
I will be back in Michigan for the last few weeks of this month visiting (some PR) family for the holidays. I have been coming back most years since leaving the church and also leaving the area shortly afterwards and it is always such a different universe. I feel I need to assume an alter ego around my PR associates; I can't talk about certain things, have certain opinions, I need to essentially eliminate my sense of humor... you know, really expressing myself around these people after spending the majority of my time away from them and their ways of thinking is pretty hard. It is always such a mindf*ck to hear the same BS prayers and rhetoric, all while biting my tongue to keep the peace. It really reminds me of how badly I felt all the time in this atmosphere for many years, especially in the few before I left. Any doubts I had about how bad and irreparable things really were are wiped out. It is nice to see some people again, but all in all, it is a depressing couple of weeks to be back in west MI again.
Escaping the pot, only to jump back into it for a time, is not fun.
Has anyone else felt this way? How do you recommend getting through it?
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Post by questioneverything on Dec 8, 2021 1:25:50 GMT
I will be back in Michigan for the last few weeks of this month visiting (some PR) family for the holidays. I have been coming back most years since leaving the church and also leaving the area shortly afterwards and it is always such a different universe. I feel I need to assume an alter ego around my PR associates; I can't talk about certain things, have certain opinions, I need to essentially eliminate my sense of humor... you know, really expressing myself around these people after spending the majority of my time away from them and their ways of thinking is pretty hard. It is always such a mindf*ck to hear the same BS prayers and rhetoric, all while biting my tongue to keep the peace. It really reminds me of how badly I felt all the time in this atmosphere for many years, especially in the few before I left. Any doubts I had about how bad and irreparable things really were are wiped out. It is nice to see some people again, but all in all, it is a depressing couple of weeks to be back in west MI again. Escaping the pot, only to jump back into it for a time, is not fun. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you recommend getting through it? The herb is legal in Michigan now. |
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Post by wewerepr on Dec 8, 2021 2:14:36 GMT
I will be back in Michigan for the last few weeks of this month visiting (some PR) family for the holidays. I have been coming back most years since leaving the church and also leaving the area shortly afterwards and it is always such a different universe. I feel I need to assume an alter ego around my PR associates; I can't talk about certain things, have certain opinions, I need to essentially eliminate my sense of humor... you know, really expressing myself around these people after spending the majority of my time away from them and their ways of thinking is pretty hard. It is always such a mindf*ck to hear the same BS prayers and rhetoric, all while biting my tongue to keep the peace. It really reminds me of how badly I felt all the time in this atmosphere for many years, especially in the few before I left. Any doubts I had about how bad and irreparable things really were are wiped out. It is nice to see some people again, but all in all, it is a depressing couple of weeks to be back in west MI again. Escaping the pot, only to jump back into it for a time, is not fun. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you recommend getting through it? The herb is legal in Michigan now. My thoughts too. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2021 2:18:11 GMT
I will be back in Michigan for the last few weeks of this month visiting (some PR) family for the holidays. I have been coming back most years since leaving the church and also leaving the area shortly afterwards and it is always such a different universe. I feel I need to assume an alter ego around my PR associates; I can't talk about certain things, have certain opinions, I need to essentially eliminate my sense of humor... you know, really expressing myself around these people after spending the majority of my time away from them and their ways of thinking is pretty hard. It is always such a mindf*ck to hear the same BS prayers and rhetoric, all while biting my tongue to keep the peace. It really reminds me of how badly I felt all the time in this atmosphere for many years, especially in the few before I left. Any doubts I had about how bad and irreparable things really were are wiped out. It is nice to see some people again, but all in all, it is a depressing couple of weeks to be back in west MI again. Escaping the pot, only to jump back into it for a time, is not fun. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you recommend getting through it? The herb is legal in Michigan now. Lol, somehow forgot about this. Thanks for the reminder. |
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Post by Andatlastiseethelight on Dec 8, 2021 12:00:19 GMT
I will be back in Michigan for the last few weeks of this month visiting (some PR) family for the holidays. I have been coming back most years since leaving the church and also leaving the area shortly afterwards and it is always such a different universe. I feel I need to assume an alter ego around my PR associates; I can't talk about certain things, have certain opinions, I need to essentially eliminate my sense of humor... you know, really expressing myself around these people after spending the majority of my time away from them and their ways of thinking is pretty hard. It is always such a mindf*ck to hear the same BS prayers and rhetoric, all while biting my tongue to keep the peace. It really reminds me of how badly I felt all the time in this atmosphere for many years, especially in the few before I left. Any doubts I had about how bad and irreparable things really were are wiped out. It is nice to see some people again, but all in all, it is a depressing couple of weeks to be back in west MI again. Escaping the pot, only to jump back into it for a time, is not fun. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you recommend getting through it? I think every EX-PR has elements of CPTSD ... can’t help but feel sorry for them. Grown-ass people choosing to be blind out of loyalty to a system that can be so corrupt. They in some ways are so scared. And some (especially this season) are more open to life outside than they ever have been. I encourage you to see what surrounds them, and enjoy the area in a different light. When conversation will inevitably turn to criticizing others — find a way to escape, or state your opinion, and let it go. Their attitude shows what is important to them, including degrading to make themselves feel better. |
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Post by throwaway2018 on Dec 8, 2021 14:04:38 GMT
I will be back in Michigan for the last few weeks of this month visiting (some PR) family for the holidays. I have been coming back most years since leaving the church and also leaving the area shortly afterwards and it is always such a different universe. I feel I need to assume an alter ego around my PR associates; I can't talk about certain things, have certain opinions, I need to essentially eliminate my sense of humor... you know, really expressing myself around these people after spending the majority of my time away from them and their ways of thinking is pretty hard. It is always such a mindf*ck to hear the same BS prayers and rhetoric, all while biting my tongue to keep the peace. It really reminds me of how badly I felt all the time in this atmosphere for many years, especially in the few before I left. Any doubts I had about how bad and irreparable things really were are wiped out. It is nice to see some people again, but all in all, it is a depressing couple of weeks to be back in west MI again. Escaping the pot, only to jump back into it for a time, is not fun. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you recommend getting through it? I've struggled with similar feelings. It seems that the longer I'm out and the more work I do to reclaim my life and live on my own terms, the more of a culture shock it is to go back. I find it's especially difficult if I go back for a wedding or baptism as the content of the service I have to sit through honestly seems appalling now. There's so much complementarian bullshit, so much about separating from the world, so much about everything that makes you happy is a sin. It turns my stomach to know that so many of these people genuinely believe that crap and will never escape from it. I personally have recently been working on trying to be more authentic to myself when I go back. This means not censoring my views or practices that may make the PRs I have relationships with uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, I don't actively seek to antagonize them. However, if I spent Sunday shopping or went to the theater to go see the latest movie, I also don't censor that from them if it comes up in conversation. There are certain things I still avoid (like politics) because it's not worth the relationship degradation. For me personally, a lot of my distress in these situations stems from the fear of being shunned. I'm so worried I'll say or do something that will make people decide I'm not worth maintaining a relationship with anymore. I don't have any advice for how to deal with it, just wanted to share that I have struggled with similar things. |
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Post by prnolonger on Dec 8, 2021 14:49:35 GMT
This is a common thread with basically every ex-PR I've interacted with in real life. Going back for weddings, baptisms, holidays, etc.
If you're coming back from out of state and staying with a PR family member, are you obligated to go to church with them? When you go, do you say the words out loud everyone else is saying, even though you don't believe them? If the preacher says something abhorrent, should you stay silent or walk out? If you walk out, is it worth ruining the rest of the holiday/baptism/etc and the relationship afterwards? Do you even own acceptable clothes anymore? Do you even attempt to talk to people you used to know? Or just slink out and stay unseen?
In my experience, it's always easier to just go with the flow, go along to get along, and do all the silly shit that keeps the wheels greased. At least at first, I pretty much always did that. There have been times that I went against the grain, and it hasn't really done anything but blow back in my face. It's no fun having an entire family unit be unified against you. I'm not changing any minds, and I'm only serving in further isolating them. Deciding where the redline is for when that's worth it is completely up to you. Don't be surprised if you set a redline and they constantly flirt with it to see if they can break you or get you to redefine it. To them this is a game, because they know there's no way they'll be on the losing side. Either you capitulate and do what they want you to do, or you confront it and you're desperately outnumbered in the pile-up. There is no situation where you come out on top.
The best advice I got in this regard is to just live your best life. When you show up, show them that you're not defined by them anymore and you're doing just fine. For some of us (read: the LGBT+ ex-PR's, publicly divorced ex-PR's, non-white PR's) this approach won't work. They'll likely keep away from you like the plague and treat you like dirt no matter how you present yourself. For the ones who are able to pass (read: the non-divorced straight white guy in a suit or girl in a dress), then the best revenge is living well. At least subconsciously they will recognize that leaving the PRC will not ruin your life and people do okay once they leave. That exposure is valuable. There are tons of families who when sitting at their dinner table will say "who was that person sitting with family X", and tons of kids will hear "Oh that's ______. They left the PRC _______ years back because ________" For every time you grin and bear it, 20 kids are seeing and hearing that you can leave, survive, be happy, and still see your family. They might even hear a reason why someone would leave.
My justification in this approach is to really frame who the real victim is. Sure, I have to eat a big pile of shit and keep my mouth closed so that things go smoothly. It's unpleasant. It's unfair. I have to watch my family be stuck in a trap and then express to each other how comfortable the trap is and how it's the best place to be in the world and they can't imagine how anybody would want to be outside those iron bars. That sucks. Even with all the unpleasantness and unfairness and no one recognizing the work I put in make family events go smoothly, I am not the real victim. They are the real victims. Not only are they still stuck in the trap, they don't get to know who I am. There are scores of PR's, including my family, who don't get to truly know their siblings/children. There are tons of PR families to whom their children and siblings are essentially strangers they see regularly. Their aversion and offense at hearing my thoughts don't mean my thoughts don't exist, it only means they don't get to know them. It sucks for me that I have to hide, yes, but it's incredibly sad for them that they don't get to see. They see my body, but they don't see me.
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Post by cannalily on Dec 8, 2021 15:47:09 GMT
I will be back in Michigan for the last few weeks of this month visiting (some PR) family for the holidays. I have been coming back most years since leaving the church and also leaving the area shortly afterwards and it is always such a different universe. I feel I need to assume an alter ego around my PR associates; I can't talk about certain things, have certain opinions, I need to essentially eliminate my sense of humor... you know, really expressing myself around these people after spending the majority of my time away from them and their ways of thinking is pretty hard. It is always such a mindf*ck to hear the same BS prayers and rhetoric, all while biting my tongue to keep the peace. It really reminds me of how badly I felt all the time in this atmosphere for many years, especially in the few before I left. Any doubts I had about how bad and irreparable things really were are wiped out. It is nice to see some people again, but all in all, it is a depressing couple of weeks to be back in west MI again. Escaping the pot, only to jump back into it for a time, is not fun. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you recommend getting through it? When in Rome.... However, if they cross the line, I have teeth. And they can't compete with you once you know the truth. So I don't let it bother me at all. |
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Post by profit on Dec 8, 2021 18:48:47 GMT
My modus operandi when around PR family was to just keep my mouth shut for the sake of peace, go with the flow, nod my head, smile, bottle it up, make the accepted remarks: 'oh ok' or 'yeah don't you know'. I wanted to fly under the radar. It was inevitable. Pretending hasn't worked for me. I guess I don't pretend well.
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