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Post by theycallmetheseeker on Dec 20, 2021 3:24:45 GMT
I just wanted to say, to anyone on the fence, it gets so much better the further from your departure date you get.
I am fortunate enough to have a family that followed me out (I had checked out of all the insanity a couple years prior but still attended mainly because I knew that my spouse would lose friendships), but even if you’re in a different situation I would encourage you to flip the switch. My heart goes out to those who may feel trapped in the PRC due to fears of breaking apart a marriage or losing a family member if your true feelings were made known. In the long run, it’s worlds better to be honest about things. Especially to yourself. Doesn’t the Bible say something about that? The alternative is to just keep compartmentalizing your life and beliefs so much that nothing is sincere and everything becomes (ironically) playacting.
It may be for any number of reasons. For us, the wrong response we witnessed regarding the handling of certain abuse cases was the final straw of many.
It’s empowering to not have a persistent level of fear plaguing each interaction. A sense of being constantly judged for everything done or said. A sense of fear for not expertly toeing the line that must be toed at all times. I’ve found that a “true” church is really one that is full of grace. One accepting members at a different level of “spirituality” (for lack of a better word). One that doesn’t dismiss people because of a lack of their understanding (or a lack of ability to make vain statements), but encourages growth in each conversation.
Yes the friendships dissolve quickly right after you leave. I didn’t hear from a single person from those old circles after we left (aside from a single phone call from an elder, just so he could check off a box I’m sure). So many coffees, kid playdates, game nights before. Then silence.
But are those friends you would really want to have in your life if that’s how they react? It’s easy enough to start over. If you still want your circle to be in a church it is quite possible. If you want to find that type of fulfillment elsewhere, it’s just as doable. The key difference I’ve found though is the connections are more sincere.
Thank you to this forum for helping me navigate things mentally early on. I know that some of you in the PRC say that there’s too much anger on the forum but I think that speaks to the level of trauma inflicted by the church. Just like every community, the individual responses can be quite varied. I’ve shared my name and more of my story with some of you through private messages and it has helped tremendously.
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Post by profit on Dec 20, 2021 4:17:25 GMT
This is helpful to read. Thanks for putting it out.
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Post by throwaway2018 on Dec 20, 2021 14:29:37 GMT
I just wanted to say, to anyone on the fence, it gets so much better the further from your departure date you get. I am fortunate enough to have a family that followed me out (I had checked out of all the insanity a couple years prior but still attended mainly because I knew that my spouse would lose friendships), but even if you’re in a different situation I would encourage you to flip the switch. My heart goes out to those who may feel trapped in the PRC due to fears of breaking apart a marriage or losing a family member if your true feelings were made known. In the long run, it’s worlds better to be honest about things. Especially to yourself. Doesn’t the Bible say something about that? The alternative is to just keep compartmentalizing your life and beliefs so much that nothing is sincere and everything becomes (ironically) playacting. It may be for any number of reasons. For us, the wrong response we witnessed regarding the handling of certain abuse cases was the final straw of many. It’s empowering to not have a persistent level of fear plaguing each interaction. A sense of being constantly judged for everything done or said. A sense of fear for not expertly toeing the line that must be toed at all times. I’ve found that a “true” church is really one that is full of grace. One accepting members at a different level of “spirituality” (for lack of a better word). One that doesn’t dismiss people because of a lack of their understanding (or a lack of ability to make vain statements), but encourages growth in each conversation. Yes the friendships dissolve quickly right after you leave. I didn’t hear from a single person from those old circles after we left (aside from a single phone call from an elder, just so he could check off a box I’m sure). So many coffees, kid playdates, game nights before. Then silence. But are those friends you would really want to have in your life if that’s how they react? It’s easy enough to start over. If you still want your circle to be in a church it is quite possible. If you want to find that type of fulfillment elsewhere, it’s just as doable. The key difference I’ve found though is the connections are more sincere. Thank you to this forum for helping me navigate things mentally early on. I know that some of you in the PRC say that there’s too much anger on the forum but I think that speaks to the level of trauma inflicted by the church. Just like every community, the individual responses can be quite varied. I’ve shared my name and more of my story with some of you through private messages and it has helped tremendously. Thanks for sharing your words of encouragement. It's so helpful for people who are worried about leaving or are still dealing with upheaval to hear these stories. I'm really sorry to hear about your old PR friendships. You're right, if that's how the friendship ended they really weren't the type of friendships you want to keep but that doesn't make the loss go away completely. It's so sad that those friendships were so shallow. I'm glad you were able to rebuild better friendships to replace the ones you lost.
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Post by profit on Dec 20, 2021 16:47:39 GMT
You want a PR to get worked up, tell them they practice conditional friendship.
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Hw
The Kitchen
Posts: 1,190
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Post by Hw on Dec 21, 2021 4:40:29 GMT
I just wanted to say, to anyone on the fence, it gets so much better the further from your departure date you get. I am fortunate enough to have a family that followed me out (I had checked out of all the insanity a couple years prior but still attended mainly because I knew that my spouse would lose friendships), but even if you’re in a different situation I would encourage you to flip the switch. My heart goes out to those who may feel trapped in the PRC due to fears of breaking apart a marriage or losing a family member if your true feelings were made known. In the long run, it’s worlds better to be honest about things. Especially to yourself. Doesn’t the Bible say something about that? The alternative is to just keep compartmentalizing your life and beliefs so much that nothing is sincere and everything becomes (ironically) playacting. It may be for any number of reasons. For us, the wrong response we witnessed regarding the handling of certain abuse cases was the final straw of many. It’s empowering to not have a persistent level of fear plaguing each interaction. A sense of being constantly judged for everything done or said. A sense of fear for not expertly toeing the line that must be toed at all times. I’ve found that a “true” church is really one that is full of grace. One accepting members at a different level of “spirituality” (for lack of a better word). One that doesn’t dismiss people because of a lack of their understanding (or a lack of ability to make vain statements), but encourages growth in each conversation. Yes the friendships dissolve quickly right after you leave. I didn’t hear from a single person from those old circles after we left (aside from a single phone call from an elder, just so he could check off a box I’m sure). So many coffees, kid playdates, game nights before. Then silence. But are those friends you would really want to have in your life if that’s how they react? It’s easy enough to start over. If you still want your circle to be in a church it is quite possible. If you want to find that type of fulfillment elsewhere, it’s just as doable. The key difference I’ve found though is the connections are more sincere. Thank you to this forum for helping me navigate things mentally early on. I know that some of you in the PRC say that there’s too much anger on the forum but I think that speaks to the level of trauma inflicted by the church. Just like every community, the individual responses can be quite varied. I’ve shared my name and more of my story with some of you through private messages and it has helped tremendously. So, so, SO very well said. I am so glad I read this tonight. My soul needed that. I think those of us who get out have a special appreciation of the world, or at least I know that I absolutely do. We want real and authentic! Losing everything, literally everything but my kids was the price I paid for our freedom but it was worth every bit of it. It taught me to find joy in the smallest of things. It taught me about what really matters. It taught me that I had everything that really matters. Anyways... just wanted to tell you how much I loved your post. (And yay Calvin!!!) Heidi
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Hw
The Kitchen
Posts: 1,190
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Post by Hw on Dec 21, 2021 4:42:14 GMT
You want a PR to get worked up, tell them they practice conditional friendship. I'm not pleased...lol. I'm trying to sleep and I literally keep laughing. My poor husband must think I've lost my mind!!🤣😂. Conditional friendship...
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Post by Andatlastiseethelight on Dec 22, 2021 0:07:29 GMT
You want a PR to get worked up, tell them they practice conditional friendship. What??? Conditional? Pretty sure that’s a curse word.
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Post by Andatlastiseethelight on Dec 22, 2021 0:17:30 GMT
I am going through a mix of wonderful first time joys — open holidays, finally—but seeing where my friendships really are landing.
Amazing how many lies I openly swallowed knowing they didn’t quite make logical sense, and very things I valued in my marriage (mutuality/encouraging each other’s strengths), appreciation of people’s experiences and how it provides richness in their testimony of their lives ——none of those things are prized in the church.
Conformity.
Worship the leaders.
Submit.
Don’t trust your feelings.
Don’t read.
Don’t think for yourself.
Ugh.
So much light and life outside of those expectations.
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Post by notulip on Dec 22, 2021 3:43:08 GMT
I am going through a mix of wonderful first time joys — open holidays, finally—but seeing where my friendships really are landing. Amazing how many lies I openly swallowed knowing they didn’t quite make logical sense, and very things I valued in my marriage (mutuality/encouraging each other’s strengths), appreciation of people’s experiences and how it provides richness in their testimony of their lives ——none of those things are prized in the church. Conformity. Worship the leaders. Submit. Don’t trust your feelings. Don’t read. Don’t think for yourself. Ugh. So much light and life outside of those expectations. I relate to this so much - and love the the last line (especially with your username).
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