Some Things Never Change...

I've been away from here for a bit. It's the holidays, the worst time of the year for me. It's been that way since my being tossed out. I dreaded December. Watching all the happy and excited families. Taking those extended family photos, planning for Christmas, exchanging names... all of the things I love. All of it things I got to watch other people do. Holidays are often awful and devastatingly lonely for the shunned. Oh, maybe you get invited but you have to become an actor in order to remain invited. No showing up as "yourself". Then, if you are divorced with kids you often are literally alone because of course, they are invited to the gatherings or have to spend some time with their other parent and their family. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry my children spent time with relatives. I hoped they could have something of the normalcy of growing up with cousins, aunts, uncles, and grand parents. But that's not what they, or myself, got. It was weird and not good. Some invited, others rejected and banned because the church decreed them heathen. The first time I showed up, relatives were eager to tell me how they felt. Nothing like your saintly aunt calling you a sinful whore and then having to sit and open your present from grandma. Now that I think of it, this church is OBSESSED with whores, harlots, and fallen women. Why the obsession with that?? That's a whole other chat I guess. Anyways, I was surprised that this year, I once again began the decent into that dark lonely place. But why? My life is wonderful. I'm newly married to my best friend and soul mate. Twin flames is how some describe us and I know it's accurate. My children and his are healthy. We have amazing grandsons. His family accepts and loves me. I've reconnected with a few people I never thought I would. So why this year again? Because that's how deeply ingrained you become when from birth this garbage is drilled into your head. How dare a shunned person be happy in life??? Well, this one is! This woman is ready to be free of my holiday darkness. Yet another PR chain to break. I will celebrate and laugh and enjoy all of it. It's another victory over a denomination who thought they broke me, or tried to. Some may think I'm angry, bitter, vindictive, and hate all those who remain. I don't, and that is where so much turmoil happens. I love my family deeply, even those still there. I long for big family gatherings I will never be a part of. And I will forever mourn the fact that reconciliation with almost all of my birth family will not happen. I miss what could have been had it not been for this church. I'm don't hate this church anymore. I don't hold it against all of them what was done to me anymore. I don't feel rage when I think of the injustice done to me and countless others. Instead, I feel pity for them. Not for the leaders. They have much to answer for. I pity the members dutifully obeying week after week. I cry over them and the chains they are in because they don't even know they are held captive in a prison they could leave at any time. It reminds me of how they train elephants. Cruel but they did it. Chain them tightly when they are young and when they are grown, a simple rope will hold them because they believe it will. I escaped. I have my freedom and my joy. I'm free to be exactly who I am. In the big picture, isn't that to be desired over what they have? Yes, I believe so. It's been a mentally exhausting month. There's been sadness and even now, death is lurking close. We hope beyond hope that 2 in our family will beat Covid but today, it's not looking very hopeful. I've had time to really think over things. What I've concluded is this. The darkness is something I can control. That church cannot touch me or hurt me anymore. They are not capable of affecting my life anymore and that means that I am responsible to refuse to go down the dark path of holiday depression. So that's what I chose. Joy over sadness. Happiness over defeat. Smiles over tears. Kindness over rudeness. I gave myself permission to be happy no matter what life is throwing right now. Why? Because I know that I am a million miles away from that life and what they did and it's time to stop letting them have a say in my life. I wanted to share some of this because I know there are hurting people out there who are going through some of the shunning fallout I did. Truly, I hope nobody goes through what I did. If you are, I am deeply sorry and I will be here for you to help you. Another reason I needed to post again? I want those who are feeling the loneliness to know there is so much hope and joy out there! I promise you! And the other reason I am writing? I've missed you all! Words cannot express how thankful I am for you and for this forum. You have healed me in ways I couldn't have imagined! And for that, I love you beyond what I could express here. On another (and final) note, watch for details on the January in person gathering for those ready for that step. Complete anonymity. No published guest lists. No photos taken. No names mentioned. It's the safest place a former PR can be, I promise! I refuse to let it be any other way. Merry Christmas everyone!